It is late and I stagger a little as I climb the stairs.
"Good evening. I'm glad you all came to the social tonight. I hope you all got enough ice cream and cake, and I hope for your sakes that none of your kids caused any of that damage to the fucking wall.
I looked around the church meeting hall at all of my friends. I hold onto the pulpit as my knees weaken, partly from being uncomfortable in front of the small crowd, but mostly from the booze.
"But ... what I've been asked to do is address the claims that I've been drinking and fucking Sarah Jane.
"I want to say for openers that you're all a bunch of sorry, disgusting pricks, but, I love you like brothers. I just want you to know that I'll be coming around to kick you all in the ass, one by one, following my requested denial.
I grab the pulpit for balance and continue.
"And ... I want you to know that I'm not denying this just because it will save my ass. I really haven't been screwing her. Believe me, being the good ol' boy that I am, I'd be honored if Sarah would give me a piece of her ass. But, most of you have seen her being openly hostile toward me, and that's not a fake, either. She's never cared for me much, and she was certainly offended by the rumors.
"In fact, she's so pissed off that she couldn't be here tonight. She loves all the sisters and sends her best. She told me through Sandra that she wanted all of you to know that you're all ass hole bitches with nothing to do but talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. But, that she forgives, and of course she understands.
"She'll be back in no time to leave the sink water running until the basement floods. She will say that she doesn't know what in the world came over her.
"As for the rumors I've been drinking ... well ... I have been ... you disgusting fucks! If you were accused of ... gulp ... cheating on a woman as lovely as my wife Maureen, you'd be drunk too ... gulp ... gulp ... So I've been drinking. So I'm drunk! What the fuck you going to do? The first thing Noah did when he got off the boat was start drinking. So what? It's not such a bad thing to do after fucking all those animals!
"And even if I had done Sarah Jane. What's the big fucking deal? Look at David in the Psalms! We're just human, and nobody likes the holier-than-thou fuck!
"I'd been drinking. I kissed her by the rose bushes. That's all! It's because I'd already been drinking. But, I drank a lot more after the rumors started flying.
"I don't know who it was who saw what! I know Sarah didn't telling the pastor. That couldn't have been enough. Pastor Steve would never believe her.
"So I just wanted you to know that even though the stories have been flying, quite openly ... with howls of laughter and fingers pointing, I couldn't find a finer bunch of sisters or more sense of community than I have right here. I'm about to choke up ... you dirty ... no good fucks. I love you ... I love you all. I'll continue to be your deacon ... and I won't fuck your sisters.
"These rumors can't be proven. So ... I just say I did it ... you know what kind of fish tales I can tell.
"I love you all. This is the finest place on earth ... even though you talk until I break down ... till I want to kick your ass. Sarah can't even show her face. But, you people are the best ...
I bow slightly to a polite applause from the audience of thirteen.
Smiling, I come out of the woods and warm up the homeys: "The joy buzzer parts in my Bible's book of Proverbs really crack me up ... and it's so true when it says, "Beware of the man who winks with his eyes and signals with his feet, one of you ... hee ... hee ... hee ... one of you ... aha ... !"
"You sick bastards, Oh, yeah?", I laugh and laugh and laugh. Who knows what that means anyway?
"Maureen, stand up! This is my woman ... my wife ... she forgives me ... I'm your deacon forever! You scum sucking pricks really touch my heart!
And ... God bless you all ...